Thing The YYH characters would never say
by i-eat-midgets
Summary: exactly what the title says


Hiei and Kuwabara: Yuusuke! We're not worthy! You're soooo much stronger than us!

Hiei: (To Kuwabara) You have the most beautiful eyes...

Kurama: Yuusuke, thank God! You have to help me with my math homework!

Hiei: Kuwabara, I have a philosophical question for you.

Kurama: Damn. I've tried and I've tried, but I just can't get my hair the same shade as Kuwabara's!

Koenma: Screw this paperwork, I'm going to Disneyland! Enma can kiss my diapered butt!

Kuwabara: Step aside, Yukina, I've got important matters to attend to!

Botan: Koenma, I'm leaving you for Yomi. He's better looking and he has a dental plan.

Yuusuke: But if I fight, someone might get hurt. Violence is bad.

Youko Kurama: I'm saving myself for marriage.

Kurama: Forget my homework, I'm going to the arcade.

Hiei: I'm trying to get in touch with my feelings. Group hug!

Youko Kurama: I'm joining a monastery.

Hiei: Can't we settle this dispute peacefully? Over tea, maybe?

Kurama: I failed Botany!

Youko Kurama: I love my new chastity belt!

Yuusuke: [eyes brimming with tears] He... he hit me... BUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Kuwabara: I know I act tough, but... it's all a front. I'm just covering for this inferiority complex my big sister's given me... Hiei: It's OK, Kuwa-chan. Let it all out.

Yuusuke: Really, I just hang around with Keiko because I wanna borrow her sailor fuku.

Kuwabara: Sure, Mitarai's cute, but... Kirishima's a babe, and he calls me "boss". [grins lasciviously]

Youko Kurama: Imagine my surprise when I checked the "Top Ten Players of the Makai" list and saw that Kuwabara had taken my number one spot! I feel so... so humiliated... I have to do something to catch up... [looks around] Aha! Oh Yuuuuuuuusukeeeee...! Yuusuke: Uh, sorry Kurama, I've got a date with Kuwa, so... Kurama: [falls over]

Hiei: I think it's time I changed my image. Starting today, I'm the newer, friendlier, cuddlier Hiei!

Kuwabara: [pulls out his book of SNAPS] Yuusuke, yo' daddy is a dumb Mississippi pimp. Talkin' 'bout, "Bitch! Where mah sweet potatoes?!" Raizen: ... [evil ki rising] ...

Hiei: I'm reading this new self-help book I got, "How to Take Over the Makai in Three Easy Steps." Kurama: Oh! I ghost-wrote that! Hiei: [looks hard at Kurama, then sets the book on fire and tosses it out the window] Kurama: HEY!!

Dear Abbey,

I'm a Youko in a human body, living here in the Ningenkai. Thing is, this annoying guy who's had a crush on me ever since I killed him in the Ankoku Bujutsukai keeps being reincarnated and coming after me. This really puts a strain on my relationship with the fire-demon I'm currently trying to seduce. What should I do?

--Endlessly Pursued

Dear Endlessly Pursued,

Please seek mental help. You are obviously suffering from a Narcissistic ego-maniacal complex that causes you to believe that people are dying with desire for you when in fact it is only your own desperate search for acceptance that produces these delusions. You should concentrate on healing your own perverted psyche before you try seducing anyone else.

--Abbey

Dear Abbey,

I've been in love with this guy for the last couple of years. He doesn't feel the same way, and he did kill me at one point, but I'm back now so I've been trying to convince him that he'd really rather be killed by me than live with that annoying little runt of a Koorime. I've tried everything... kidnap him, kidnap his lover, drug him, beat him senseless, hold his mother hostage, you name it, I've done it, but nothing works. Any advice?

--Hard to Discourage

Dear Hard to Discourage,

I can tell you are a very devoted person. Your love for this person runs deep and will prevail in the end--don't give up! It's only a matter of time before he sees that you are the one who really cares for him and makes the right choice. Keep a positive outlook and aim for the stars!

Much love,

--Abbey

Dear Stupid Ningen,

You insulted MY fox in your ridiculous Ningen scandal rag. Say your prayers and don't go to sleep.

--Black-Dragon-Wielding, Pissed-Off Fire-Demon

Yukina: Dammit, Jim! I'm a healer, not a geologist!! Kuwabara: Who's Jim?

Hiei: Give it to me baby, uh-huh, uh-huh!

Hiei: (Darth Vader style) Yukina, I am your brother.

Minamino Shuichi: Hey, kasan, did you know I am really a fox-spirit with an insatiable libido?

Hiei: Take me, Kurama, I'm yours!

Kurama: I think we should abstain for a while, Hiei. Nothing personal, but I am just a teenager in this ningen body.

Genkai: (totally frantic) Omigosh! The bad guy is winning! Oh, what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

Genkai: Those stairs are annoying. I think I'll put in an elevator!

Genkai: I never noticed how rancid this tea tastes.

Genkai: You boys deserve a break. Let's hit the beach!

Hiei: I know how much you like my sister, Kuwabara. Go ahead and marry her!

Koenma: I really need to give up this pacifier thing.

Hiei: Kurama tell me does black make me look fat?

Kurama: What was I thinking! Red heads don't wear pink!

Kuwabara: Hiei have you read Machiavelli's the Prince? I do believe that the indivdual they were speaking of fits your description to a tee....

The Koorime: Hiei! Oh Hiei! Come on back we made a mistake, sorry about that come on home and we'll make you some nice hot cocoa.

Hiei: Mukuro you are truly beautiful when the light hits you just so.....

Kurama: Hey Yomi! How many fingers am I holding up?!

Shiori: Shuuichi I have to tell you something. I've run this perfect mother scam way to long, the only reason I married your father in the first place was so that I could kill him off for insurance money, and then you came along and I was going to sell you on the black-market, but since you had to go and be all serious so I couldn't do it. Anyway I'm leaving your stepfather for my old boyfriend Butch later.

Shura: *singing* I feel pretty oh so pretty I feel pretty and witty and gay...

Mukuro: * wearing a pink nightie with a whip in one hand and a jar of mayo in the other* Ohhhh Yomi get over here you horned hunk of burnin' love!

Karasu: You know maybe I'm going about this whole long thing the wrong way....

Hiei: Hi everybody guess what?! I've joined the peace corp.!

Yukina: What? Of course I know Hiei is my brother you moron!

Kurama: *dancing around his room with a brush singing* I wanna be yo' lover I wanna be the only one that makes you come runnin' I wanna be yo' lover. Wanna turn you on turn you out all night long make you shout AH lover! ( OK so he might do that but it's still funny)

Yomi: I can see! I can see!

Keiko: You know Botan you are simpering moron and I swear if you come flying through here one more time I'm going to take that oar and stick it so far up your wahzooh you'll be spitting splinters for the next century!

Yukina (to Hiei): What's that? You wanna step to the great one?! Bring it on little man!

Hiei: Um Yukina....

Yukina: You dare to speak the great one's name? Ohh big mistake sign your name on the dotted line spikey cause your checkin' in to the smackdown hotel!

Kurama: Yuusuke quit your bitchin' I don't care!

Hiei: * wearing a pink frilly bikini, hoop earrings and go-go boots* Later peeps I'm newest Ricky Martin dance girl. See ya at the end of the tour!

Mukuro: Hmm you know some plastic surgery wouldn't hurt.

Hiei: Sorry Kurama I'm leaving you for Kuwabara we got to talking the other day and realized we have alot in common and that we truly love each other more than anything else in the world, and we have decided to defy all odds to be together.

Yuusuke: I've decided to denounce violence and material wealth for spiritual enlightenment. So I've decided to move to Tibet and change my name to Rainbow.

Youko Kurama: Hiei, what's sex?

Hiei: *dressed like a catholic school girl complete with pig-tails...somehow* Please Kurama can we play naughty school girl dirty teacher just one more time?

Youko Kurama: Oh my virgin eyes! Illustration by Jean!

Kurama: Koenma you've been a bad boy you must be punished! Botan get the riding crop!

Kurama: What am I gonna do? No one wants to go with me to the prom!

Shizuru: Oh Kazu, I wish I could be as bright and intelligent as you!

Youko Kurama: Minna, how do you like my new short haircut?

Kuwabara: Hiei, could you please give me some fencing lessons?

Genkai: If anyone hits you on one cheek, let him hit the other one too.

George Saotome: Koenma-sama, you yell at me again and you'll be grounded for the next century, with no TV.

Yukina: Kisama! Shimatta! K'so! F***ing bastards!

Atsuko (Yuusuke's Mom): That's it I've had my last drop.

Mukuro: You're SO right Yomi.

Yomi: Damn I never knew how good looking Mukuro was. (kinda hard to imagine since he's blind)

Yukina: I am so sick of this I want to fight too.

Hiei:Tea anyone?

Kurama: Yo bartander give me another.

Kuwabara: No time to fight I've got homework to do.

Botan: I'll get you my pretty and your little kitsune too.

Koenma: Become one with the universe.

Yomi: I love you , you love me, group hug everyone.

Enma: Tell those idiots I'm busy, they can save the world themsevles, I'm showing my son how to be a man.

Karasu: What do you think mask or no mask?

Karasu: Maybe I should see a doctor about this rash on my face.

Yakumo: Bah, who needs the human world I'm going to six flags.

Mukuro: I love you Yomi dear.

Yomi: I love it when you whisper sexy words in my here sugar.

Mukuro: Let's get it on!

Youko Kurama: Why do I have so many tails. I hate having to brush them all the time.

Genkai: Kuwabara, I need your help with translating some of these scrolls.

Karasu: Kill Kurama? Why would I want to do that? Kuwabara is -so- much more my type.

Kurama: Hiei, please flame my plants, I'm sick of them. From now on, I'm living in a cave and never coming out.

Kuronue: Hey, Kurama, I'm really alive! Break up with the fire-baby and come with me to the Makai, forgetting all of your responsibilities in the Ningenkai, especially your mother, who'll probably think you got kidnapped! We can loot and pillage, and think of all the neat stuff we can steal! Kurama: Okay!

Yomi: What do you mean I'm blind?!

Mukuro: What are you talking about? I've got a perfect body!

Kurama: My hair isn't naturally this color. I was trying to dye it purple, but something went wrong! Waaaahhh!

Hiei: Yukina, shut up!

Kuwabara: Hiei, I want you!

Hiei: Let's go for a nice, relaxing game of golf...

Yukina: Hiei, get laid.

Hiei: DUH!!

Youko Kurama: I don't think this is the right time or place to do it.

Hiei: Kuwabara-sama, I am beneath you...

Hiei: Aw geez, man!

Mukuro: Yomi, wanna stop by for tea?

Hiei: Please?!

Yukina: C'mon guys, let's get DRUNK.

Hiei: You are so virginal, Kurama!

Yuusuke: Hello, my name is Urameshi Yuusuke, Class President.

Yukina: Grow a back bone, Kazuma!

Kuwabara: (charging) Your ass is mine! Hiei: ...

Genkai: (on the phone to Shiori) Yes, Minamino-san. I'm afraid your son won't be home for a few days, since he and his delinquent friends are off fighting a bloody tournament in the Makai.

Shiori: Oh, again? Thank you for telling me.

Hiei: I'm thinking of opening a dress shop.

Kurama: Yes! I got a 64% in Math! That's the best this year!

Hiei: (ringing the doorbell to Mukuro's domain) Avon calling!

Kuwabara: Do you have any twos? Hiei: Go fish.

Yuusuke: (after hitting a demon) Oh! I'm sorry! That looks like it hurts.

Hiei: (in basketball outfit, with pink hair) Dennis Rodman, eat your heart out.

Hiei: (flings off shirt a la Gateau) Oi! Kurama! Look at this! (flexes)

Yomi: (singing) I wanna be a supermodel!

Kurama: (singing) Two and two is four. Four and four is eight. Eight and eight is sixteen. Sixteen and sixteen is thirty-two. Crap! What's thirty-two and thirty-two?

(Scene: Yomi, Mukuro and Raizen standing at a bus stop) Yomi: Bulbous bouffant. Mukuro: Macademia. Raizen: Gazebo.

Kurama: What's wrong with me? Red hair and green eyes? I don't look Japanese. Hell, I don't even look like my mother!

Yuusuke: Philippa! Kuwabara: Denina! Yuusuke: How are you? Kuwabara: Today? Yuusuke: Yes. Kuwabara: Oh, not too good. Yuusuke: Oh, that's too bad. Kuwabara: Mmhmm...

Kurama: Oh, I'm a fox demon and I'm okay...

Hiei: AAAHH blood! I think I'm going to faint......

Hiei: Can I have a glass of milk?

Hiei: Ooh, Ooh, a horsey! or I wanna ride the pony!

Hiei: Kurama, where's my cookbook? I'm making cookies!

Kuwabara: Oh Genkai, Yuusuke just doesn't see how much I love him...*sniff*

Yuusuke Mom! Where'd you put my homework? I've got to study for that quiz!

Yuusuke: Keiko, don't you know it's wrong to skip class?

Kurama: *sniffling* I have allergies.

Kurama: *to Hiei* Why are you on the floor? Hiei: I lost my contacts.

Koenma: *leering at Kuwabara * I don't always use this as a pacifier.

Yukina: Kuwabara.. I'm leaving you for Botan. She fulfils my emotional needs, and besides, with that broom of hers...

Yuusuke: I am a manly man. I fight demons all the time. Kuwabara: Look.. a mouse. Yuusuke: Eep! *jumps into Kuwabara's arms* Kill it! Kill it!

Hiei: *walk up to stadium* Hello, and welcome to my poetry reading. I'll be reading extracts from my latest collection of sonnets : The Virgin Youko's Ass; the untold tails.

Kurama: What!?! But I can't be allergic to herbicides!

Yuusuke: cough cough Ouch, I think that one was just a bit too strong for me... ::puts down cup::

Hiei: What the crap?!? It's green! You guys never told me my jagan glowed green. I hate green! Kurama: *choke*

Yukina: ::downs fifteenth cup of sake, then giggles at the sight of Kuwabara and Yuusuke passed out under the table::

Genkai: You young people may not understand, but sometimes I just feel so... old.

Hiroshi: Oh, I don't know. Ranma can't be that different from us, in terms of experience. I'm sure there are others who, if not in the same situation, could at least sympathize. Daisuke: Oh, really? And how many people do you think can truly sympathize, not to mention actually have experience in changing hair color, height, voice, not to mention sex?! Hiroshi: Well, okay, so you may have a slight point there... Still, I'm sure that if there were anyone else, they'd be pretty normal, too! Kurama: (somewhere in the Philippines...) aaachoo!

Yukina: growl Oh, Kaa~azu-chaaan... Come out, come out, wherever you are.... Yuusuke: You idiot! Why didn't you warn us that that 'Bringing out of Inner Self' potion would have this kind of effect if there was some kind of accident!?! We would never have let that cursed youkai live long enough to splash Yukina-chan! Kurama: I said I was sorry, dammit! How was I supposed to know! It's not my fault my damn spy network went to shit when I was supposed to be dead! Kuwabara: What I want to know is how that youkai knew to target a supposedly placidly peaceful ice maiden in the first place! She shouldn't be susceptible at all! Hiei: sweatdrop ::nervously begins to edge away::

Hiei: [Sobbing uncontrollably] I never wanted to fight! *Sniff* *Sniff* All I wanted was to get a decent job, earn money, then settle down. But did the world ever take that into consideration? Nooo... they had to put me through all that pain just to train me to be a warrior. WAAAHH!!!

Yukina: [In a tight anything-but-decent leather outfit, with whip] I'm horny, horny, horny, horny... So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight...

Kurama: Ick! My contacts fell out, and so did my wig. Damn! I'll have to look for it too.

Kuwabara: [In white, flowing robes, sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by candles] Now, let us all clear our thoughts, and be one with the universe. Be quiet, and let your chi flow. Repeat after me. Hmmm... Hmmm... Hmmm... Hiei: Hmmm... Hmmm... Hmmm...

Shizuru: Hey no fair! I'm obviously prettier and smarter and more powerful than my good-for-nothing brother, so why does he get all the air time? THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD!!! AUGH! [Jumps up and down in a tantrum]

Kurama: Screw Hiei! I'm going to marry Karasu!

Yukina: [In the same skin-tight outfit and whip, sitting on top of a table] Burn, baby, burn...

Yuusuke: REI GANNNN!!!!!!! *Long silence ensues* What? Nothing?

Puu: Meow.

Yuusuke: Keiko. Keiko: Yuusuke. Yuusuke: Keiko. Keiko: Yuusuke. Yuusuke: Keiko. Keiko: Yuusuke.

Botan: I'm sick of this oar. From now on, I'm flying first class!

Koorime Princess: Girls, let's have a break. Say 'aye' if you want to go to Hawaii for a vacation! The Koorime: Aye!

Keiko: Step aside, Yuusuke. I'll handle these youkai. Yuusuke: [Trembling behind Keiko] Oh Keiko! You are so heroic. Save me!

Youko Kurama: How in the world can guys have sex?

Yukina: Brr... it's freezing in here.

Mukuro: He's mine! Shizuru: No, he's mine! Mukuro: Mine! Shizuru: Mine I tell you! Mukuro: He is mine! Shizuru: Mine! Yomi: Um, girls, maybe we can work this out...

Shizuru: [Taking a puff of her cigarette] *Cough* *Cough* Damn.

Hiei: I better take off this cloak. It's sooo hot in here. Kurama: Maybe you should take off all your clothes.

Yomi: Damn! That's the seventh time I bumped into a wall today!

Yusuke: Minna, I've just sent a ten-page fan letter to the Teletubbies telling them how much I love them! Don't you just adore those little critters?

Yukina: Nobody really knows this but I'm a spy for an underground communist organization bent on world domination. This innocent-girl image is just my cover-up.

Toguro Ototo: When will this damn sore eyes heal? I'm tired of wearing sunglasses.

Hiei: Why am I always saying "Hn" all the time? It's not even in the dictionary!

Kurama: Oh my gosh! Prince William just proposed to me! What am I going to do? Hiei's not gonna like this.

Girls in Meiou High: What were we thinking? How can we have a crush on Shuichi? He looks even more girly than us!

Enma: Koenma my son, I'm so proud of you.

Yukina: *gathers all poker chips* Sorry guys, another full house. Yusuke and Kuwabara: Aaaawwww....

Chuu: I have been sober for the last 48 hours. I'll never drink alcohol again.

Hiei: Kuwabara-kun, you are the most humble person I have ever known.

From Tenshi no Kurai

Mukuro: *singing* If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, come on baby, let me know...

Yukina: Kazuma-san? I..have a confession to make..I'm..I'm not the sweet, innocent Yukina you've came to known and love..I'm really...a fat, balding, 40-year old disgruntled postal worker with lots of plastic surgery!!!!!!! *sobs and flees the room* Kuwabara: *shrugs* What else is new? I'm from New Jersey...

Kuwabara: *British accent* To be or, not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... *taps pipe*

Youko Kurama: OhmyGAWD! Their...KISSING!!!! EWWWWWWWW!!!

Hiei: *looks at katana* Oooooh....shiny...*-* (actually..doesnt he say that in that Spring Fling story? O.o;)

Koenma: Forget being a god! I'm going to be a dancer! *puts on go-go boots*

Mukuro: Yomi and I..would like to thank everyone for coming to our 150th anniversary party..*sniffles, wipes tear*

Yuusuke: *sniffs the air*...there goes that WEIRD smell again... Kurama: *blushes* Gomen, minna-san.

Hiei: *runs to Kurama, holding up his finger* Waaaah!! I burned my finger!

Shiori: *driving in car* Damn Sunday drivers!!!! GET OUTTA MY WAY! *honks horn and flips them off*

Kurama: Hiei? Who's that?

Kuwabara: *makes his Rei-ken sword* OOOH! Kuwa-chan make magic..Kuwa-chan makes pretty light!

From Kay

Mukuro: Hiei, I'm pregnant. Hiei: *faints* Yuusuke: He took it rather well!

From Overlord Mukuro

Yomi: How do you like my shades?

Mukuro: Hiei dear, dinner will be ready in just a moment!

Kuwabara: (disco dancing) I'm too sexy for my body, too sexy for my body...

Yukina: I'm melting, I'm melting....

Mukuro: Damn it Yomi, you're just too sexy. Yomi: Don't I know it?

From

Mukuro: I AM Batman! Muahahahahaha!

Yomi: Kurama, white really isn't your color. Youko Kurama: How the hell can you tell you blind old fart!?

Hiei: Kurama, I have something to tell you... Kurama: What? Hiei: I'm one of the sailor scouts. I am Sailor Makai! *Does a freaky pose* Kurama: *sweatdrop*

Hiei: I'm really just as sweet as can be (bats eyelashes)

Hiei: I represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild

Kurama: I think...yes, I must, it's the right choice to make, I'm dying my hair BLACK! Look Hiei. We match!

Kuwabara: The theory of parallel universes has a direct correlation to Plato's theory of... Hiei: (gushing) Oh, Kazuma-sensei you're so smart.

Hiei: Hey, wait up you guys. You're going too fast.

Hiei: I think I'll walk.

Hiei: Oh, my, gawd, I have got to do something with this hair. Maybe if I perm it....

Hiei and Kuwabara: Look, we're twins!

Kuwabara: I knew all along you were Yukina's brother.

Kuwabara: I hate cats. Go ahead and keep her. (remember Eikichi?)

Hiei walks around Kurama with a thoughtful expression on his face: You know Kurama, pink really suits you. In fact, I think we should all wear pink. Do you think they have that fuku in Kuwa-darlings size?

Kurama: Hiei why do you always wear that cloak. Hiei: Its cooler. Kurama: Cooler? How? What do you have on under it? Hiei: Nothing. I'm totally naked under here. Wanna see?

Hiei: Actually, I'm wearing stilts under here.

Hiei singing: I wanna be loved by you, by you and nobody else but you, I wanna be loved by alo-o-ne. Dubbi bi doo.

Hiei: I'm a little tea-pot short and stout...

Hiei: But I'm afraid of fire!

Hiei: You know Yusuke, I think my ankles are prettier than yours. Hmhm, and so are my legs, and my hands. And my butt is to die for.

Hiei: Kurama, get a hair cut!

Yusuke: Can't we all just get along?

Koenma: I have extensively researched this next assignment-

Botan: But I'm afraid of heights!

Kurama: I stole the mirror because I had a very important question to ask it. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Mirror: Kuwabara! Heck, even the Toguro brothers are better looking than you. And Mukuru (wolf whistle) now there's one FINE piece of cyborg ss.

Hiei: Kurama, you idiot. You gave me fleas!

Kurama: I think I'll wear my leather ensemble with the pentagram nipple ring and this whip here should complete the ensemble. Kaasan, I'm ready to go to the temple!

Koenma: My real ambition in life is not to be god of death but to play the staring role in Willow.

Yukina: Here little birdy, birdy, come to momma. I got this great recipe for songbird pie that's to die for.

Youko Kurama: You guys, I-I have a confession to make. I, that is, I'm a virgin (blushes prettily while stunned silence greets his confession) Hiei: Yoohoo! I get to break him in first!

Yukina: I am much more beautiful than you Botan. Botan: ( ugh ) You are so immature!

Hiei: Kurama, you stink! Kurama: You're the one who stinks! I wonder when the last time was you changed your underwear!

Genkai: All of you have new missions to accomplish. Yusuke: Nah! Do it yourself! After all, you never pay us to do it. Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, Botan: Yeah! 


End file.
